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NEWS FROM THE THERAPY ROOM. Tips and strategies that you can use in your own relationships. |
 Well here, we are, it's that time of year again. For many folks here in Christchurch, the end of this year in particular can't come fast enough. It's truly been the Year From Hell, so it's nice to be looking forward to some relaxing days ahead during the holiday season. As always though, there are ways in which we can make the holiday season less stressful, more enjoyable and rewarding:
If you want some additional ideas about managing conflict, especially in family relationships, have a look at these useful pointers... A big thanks to the increasing numbers of people who have visited these pages throughout the year. Have a great Christmas. Christmas Quote: Getting ready for Christmas is just like being at the office. You do all the hard work, and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.  Brothers and sisters- 80% of us have got them, and they can be a blessing or they can be the curse of our lives. Chances are they will be either of these things from time to time. Mostly though we want our sibling relationships to go OK. Unless you're a Kardashian and you've really figured out how to turn mediocre family relationships into a multi-million dollar industry.
The sibling relationship is often the longest one in our lives, longer than that between spouses, longer than that between parents and children. Yet of all the family relationships, there is less written about this one in comparison to all the others. The couple relationship is the clear winner in the media attention department, closely followed in second place by the parent/child relationship. The less glamorous sibling relationship is well down the list in the publicity department. Childhood sibling relationships are filled with all sorts of contrasts- competition and collaboration, love and hate, envy and admiration. Most of these extremes will dissipate somewhat as childhood and adolescence progresses and eventually passes - but conflicted sibs can get stuck in childhood patterns for life, with something like 30% of adult siblings reporting conflicted or distant relationships at later life-stages. Yet its really important for most of us to think about who our supports are in life, who understands us better. And because of our shared childhood experiences and how these ultimately shape us, a sibling is often likely to understand us better than anyone and can therefore be a real resource for us. Difficult adult sibling relationships have often had their origins in childhood- yet the conflict can continue to last for decades, with either party no longer being able to describe what kicked it all off... Before I go on- a quick word again about conflict....As I've said several times before on these pages, conflict is OK, it is part of being human, and there is likely to be conflict in the sibling relationship, as there is in all our relationships. However conflict becomes damaging when it is unacknowledged by either or all the parties involved, and when there is no motivation to address it or resolve it. It becomes entrenched and damaging. So what exactly can be done to get adult sibling relationships back on track?? 1) Look at the role you might play in keeping conflict with your sibling/s going- it takes at least two to keep conflict alive. 2) Remember that you are each unique individuals, even though you might have been raised in the same house and by the same parents. Never the less you will each have your own view of the world, and that is as it should be. Don't be affronted when your sibling sees things differently to you. 3) On the other hand, no-one else but your siblings are likely to come close to understanding those early influences in your life that have shaped you in to the person you are today. Value the shared history that only siblings can understand. 4) Be wary of not relating to your adult sibling as though they are still a child. Patterns of relating to each other as adults are frequently set down in childhood, and can persist right through adulthood, eg., the youngest child who, through no fault of their own, has always been perceived by older sibs to have been spoiled by parents, and is still resented for this during adulthood. 5) If you are stuck in a sibling conflict that has gone on for years (do you even remember what started it all? ), take the first step towards fixing it - someone needs to, and it might as well be you. Be the big person. 6) For sibling conflicts that might develop in the present day, address them quickly, so that they don't become stuck and magnified. 7) Don't expect your siblings to initiate all the contact with you. The relationship is just as much your responsibility. 8) Put time in to your relationships with siblings- all relationships take time and effort, yet it's easy to to see the adult sibling relationship as less of a priority than those relationships that are more central in our lives. Enjoy your sibs, get the relationship sorted. You may be stuck with each other for much longer than you had imagined. Thanks again for dropping by... If you want to read some earlier stuff I've written about sibling relationships, jump right over here....  Wise words on the left from the Dalai Lama, via my friend Sandy (whose FB page I stole this from- thanks Sandy, that's what you get for being inspirational). The words from the DL resonated with me, as living in the present is something I've been thinking quite a bit about lately, and trying to do more of. He's saying something really important here. I guess he's quite lucky too. Because if he does not quite manage to live in the present at all times (though I'm sure he does a much better job at it than most of us), as a Buddhist, he's going to have plenty of incarnations in the future, where he can come back in his next lives and have another shot at it, until he eventually gets it right. The rest of us (ie., non Buddhists) will need to focus on living in the present in our current lives. And living in our current lives is so important. Another wise person (I've forgotten who, but I don't think it was the Dalai Lama- although a Buddhist would think this anyway) said that the majority of us live our lives like we have got another one in the bank. What does it really mean, to be living continually in the past, or always waiting for the future? It means we are going to be frequently disappointed. And at the risk of being overly dramatic, we are not really fully alive, if we are continually living in another time and place. The past can never be recreated, and in any case, the past is always a mix of good and not so good stuff, so why would you really want to be back there? The best thing about the past is what we have taken from it, what we have learned about ourselves, so that we can live more fully in (yes, you guessed it) the present. And conversely, to continually live in the future means we are simply missing on out on so much of the good stuff that is in our lives right here, right now. Read what the wise man at the top of the page has said about the hazzards of living only for the future- he is much more eloquent in these matters than I can ever hope to be... Some recent research from the psychology department at Harvard University has discovered that we tend to float away from being in the present around 46% of the time. And (here's the important bit) even if we are day-dreaming about being somewhere wonderful, or doing something really fun and fantastic, we are actually less happy on those occasions. Wow. So what do we need to do, to live in the present? I can't claim to be an expert about this, but in my line of work, I've picked up some really useful tips along the way.... 1) Savor the moment. Be aware of what you are doing, right here, right now. Whatever it is you are doing, think about just that. Immerse yourself in it. To really focus in on this, describe your surroundings to yourself, state what you are actually doing, saying this out loud. (Yes, if you are not alone at the time, there is a risk you'll be considered deranged...) 2) Enjoy your body. An important ingredient for living in the present is to be satisfied with ourselves, including our bodies. Regardless of how you judge it, regardless of whether or not it's the shape or size of the one you had really hoped for. Sure, maybe it could have been fatter/thinner/shorter/taller/darker/lighter. But it works, and most of the time it does what you need it to do. Don't judge it, just enjoy it, thank it. It's hung in there with you this far. Marvel at what it can do, rather than what it can't. It's the vehicle that's getting you through this life- nothing else can do this for you. When you are looking at your body, admiring it, and valuing the genuine work of genius that it is, remind yourself too, that your body is actually living in the present at all times. It is only our minds that are drawing us to a future that hasn't happened yet, or to a past that has gone, and therefore cannot be changed. 3) "This is me doing this." We are faced with having to do all sorts of mundane things we don't want to do. Doing the dishes. Washing the car. Vacuuming. Mowing the lawn. Boring, boring, boring. Doing these things mean we are likely to easily get distracted and have our minds wander off somewhere else. And of course that is a good thing to do sometimes. But if we can stay focused on these tasks, immerse ourselves in them, they can actually become quite calming & meditative. One way to help this happen is to kick the task of with the statement ''this is me doing this...." And again, the statement will have more impact if you say it out loud- say it several times while you are doing the task. 4) Rely less on the technology. Let's face it, the technology has got us all. More and more of us are pretty much addicted now to the fancy gadgets. The computers, the i-thingies, etc etc. The Harvard research that I mentioned above also discovered that as much as we love these (and yes, I'm putting my hand up here) things, we are actually less happy when we are using them. It makes sense, because we are clearly not in the here and now when those things have our attention- their job after all, is to transport us somewhere else. Yet our lives are more satisfying, we are more content, when we live in the moment. Yikes- reading what I've written here today, it's all getting a bit "New Age-y around here!" Never the less, these are useful and important things to think about. Good luck! "If you worry about what might be, and wonder what might have been,you will ignore what is..." (Unknown) |
"Some occasional thoughts about families, relationships, and other things that distract us...."
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