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NEWS FROM THE THERAPY ROOM. Tips and strategies that you can use in your own relationships. |
 There are some big changes ahead that will soon alter the accessibility of couples therapy here in New Zealand. The six sessions that have been traditionally funded by the New Zealand Family Court, and have therefore been free to all couples will soon be discontinued. The government claims that it does not have any place involving itself in relationships. So convinced was the government that it had no business involving itself in this domain, the minister announced that funding for couple counselling would be discontinued, even before the results of a fairly extensive review of the functioning of the Family Court was announced. In the end though, it's all about balancing the books, and this of course is the driving factor in this change of policy. But, forget the government for a few minutes (they've probably forgotten about you already). Because further down the page, you will discover two simple, yet very important ingredients that will sustain your relationship, and potentially put many couples therapists such as me, out of work. (Hey, I'll cope....). I've been meeting with an increased number of couples lately as they try and get issues in their relationships sorted. Maybe they have heard about the funding changes that are ahead, or maybe they just felt it was time to roll their sleeves up and address things . Either way, this is good for me (I like to be busy, and I especially like to see the changes that a motivated couple can bring to their relationship) and it's good for them, as most issues that contribute to difficulties in relationships are very fixable, so long as the partners do not let the issues sit there and go unattended to. As I've said on these pages several times before, relationships need to be worked at. Couples with healthy relationships generally realise that whilst things can be challenging at times, the relationship will generally do OK, so long as it is not taken for granted, and that it is frequently attended to, almost in the same way that you would attend to the needs of another person. Such attention and/or work can of course be in the presence of a therapist, but over time, couples need to be able to look after their relationships themselves, and need to make sure that tending it becomes a regular part of their lives. I know for some people, the whole idea of combining the terms 'work' and 'relationship' together in the same sentence do not even make sense, that for them, the two words do not even really fit together. However, like most things in life that are important to us, we have to put in at least some effort. And here's the thing: the people who are in what we might describe as successful relationships know this already: they do not take the relationship for granted, they work at it. It's good for couples to think about conflict in their relationship and how it wound up there. I know I've talked about ways of managing this in earlier postings. And no doubt I'll do so again, because I think this is so important. But it's useful to think too about what is behind the conflict in the first place. A lot of the conflict in our relationships (not just couple relationships) is about minor stuff - I've noticed from being exposed to a lot of conflict situations over the years, that the players involved are often stunned by the relatively minor nature of what the conflict was about in the first place. You probably have your own ideas as to why people (especially those in couple relationships) have conflict. And I thought I had a pretty good understanding about this also. The usual things that are likely to spring to mind for most of us are areas such as money, disagreements about kids, problems with wider family. But it also turns out that things can be bit more complex than many of us might imagine. The more substantial conflicts, which if not addressed can be potentially damaging to the relationship, are not always so obvious. Let me explain further: A major study at the University of Michigan back in 1989 (but still very relevant) which involved six hundred participants, discovered that although there were gender similarities around conflict, there were also some fairly big differences. But before I mention these, I need to say yet again, that conflict is OK. It's part of being human, and it's actually necessary for several reasons that I won't go into today. What is not necessary or OK, however, is when it's not managed, and when it then becomes destructive to relationships. So what are these other sources of conflict in couple relationships? For starters this research discovered that women would feel there was issues in the relationship if they feel neglected by their partners, meanwhile men perceiving conflict, were likely to feel that women were self-absorbed. Women also complained about their partners being condescending, and the men in the study claimed that women were moody. John Gottman at the University of Washington had similar findings in his research, noting that the men involved in the study fond women to be too immersed in their feelings, and were often overly emotional, whereas their partners were likely to describe the men as emotionally distant or closed-down. Not surprisingly, there were differences around the intimate aspects of the relationship. Men claimed that women were withholding or controlling with sex, whereas women claimed that men don't get the bigger picture with sex, that it needs to occur within a climate of closeness and that on-going affection needs to be part of the bigger relationship picture. Women also felt troubled by partners who were sexually demanding, but also by partners who generally treated them in a condescending manner, or viewed them as being less able to understand things in a way that men might. They also did not like it when partners offered them practical solutions to emotional problems. Similarities for partners of both genders were that infidelity was a very likely source of conflict and was likely to be very damaging to the relationship. Also both men and women cited abusive or aggressive behaviour as being damaging to the relationship, as well as partners openly admiring people of the opposite sex. John Gottman also offered something that I thought was very significant. He claimed that the biggest cause of conflict, which over-rode all of the factors mentioned above, is that whether or not partners of either sex feel loved and respected. The absence of these ingredients in a relationship means that it's likely to get in to a major downward spiral. Even though this all of this stuff above does not sound very good for relationships and can lead to big conflict if left unchecked, the reassuring thing to remember that with some conscious effort, and some hard work (yep - back to that again), it is all very fixable. There is probably no relationship that is so wrecked that it cannot be fixed, so long as BOTH partners are ready and motivated to do something about it. And also, the importance of what we might describe as the pure basics of LOVE and RESPECT: when other points of conflict sneak in, by managing to stay focused on love and respect, and managing these in sincere and genuine ways, then all the other stuff will be so much more easily negotiated. So put a therapist out of a job today. Work on your relationship - it's like a small child, in that it cannot be left to look after itself. And regardless of what the issues are, keep demonstrating love and respect to your partner. If you missed what I said earlier in the year about the importance of being taking charge of your relationship, jump over here and read about the importance of staying focused on keeping your relationship functional and healthy. Or you can access a useful quizz here, if you want to look further at the quality of the communication in your relationship. Talk soon.... or if you live in Christchurch NZ, and you want some face to face help with your relationship, feel free to contact me here.   Yikes.... I've just realised it's been three months since I've shown my face around these parts. Now I do know that one of the golden rules for bloggers everywhere is to never apologise for failed or infrequent appearances. Plus the word is also that bloggers are not supposed to even acknowledge that they may have been absent for an extended period of time, let alone apologise. Just bounce back again, as though it was just yesterday that you last posted something.... (So I now expect to have the full weight of the Bloggers Union pursuing me, with some strongly worded emails for disclosing the contents of the Bloggers Code of (Non)ethics... )
I'd like to think that I have a half reasonable excuse to offer for my absence. Other than claiming that the dog ate my homework, I have nothing in my defence. But some things that may vaguely resemble excuses are that I travelled a bit, and then when I got back, I discovered that after six years, Richard Ford had finally published another book. I was initially very excited, as I'm a big fan. But then I heard the book was called "Canada," so I was immediately worried to think he had this time written some sort of travel guide. Don't get me wrong, Canada's a great place, and I was in Vancouver just a few weeks back. But Ford's focus is usually on people, and he does this so well, so that's what I was hoping for. It turned out I had nothing to worry about. So back in the Excuse Department, the reading of 'Canada' took some of my time, as it's pretty lengthy. And like all of Ford's earlier stuff, it's superbly written. Like all great writing, (he's a Pullitzer Prize winner) it had me in the bind of wanting to read it quickly, because it is so good, but also wanting to read it slowly, so that I don't finish it and can continue to enjoy it. Like most of the fiction I'm drawn to, this is about families, and in particular the strange family events that transpire for teenage Dell Parsons, as he looks back, aged late 60's, on this formative period in his life. If you are a Ford fan, and you haven't checked this out yet, have a look here: 'Canada' by Richard Ford. This whole idea of reading got me thinking about what we actually read and why. People reading not only these pages,but also the billions of other pages that populate the internet, are testimony to the value that is inherent in the written word and how much we are drawn to it. As clever as the internet is, and when we think about how it has transformed our lives, it never the less revolves around the use of the good old written word, which has been with us, ever since early humans figured out how to write stuff down. Still the written word continues to shape our lives in so many different ways. Certainly Richard Ford's written words have me hooked in, each time I discover something new he as written. The world of therapy where I spend my working week revolves around the use of words. Sometimes written, but mostly spoken. Clients bring their dilemmas and their concerns, which they share with me, via their choice of words. Ideally those words which then come from me, will have some sort of value or relevance, and when they are the right words for a particular client, will give them the energy and the confidence to begin to do some things differently, so that their lives can somehow become more satisfying and more rewarding. Mostly the words in therapy are exchanged verbally, between the client and the therapist, although therapy increasingly relies on the use of the written word also. What is also of supreme importance in the lives of clients (and in fact all of us), are those words they exchange with those people who are significant to them. And often it's not just the words, and what they mean, but the way they are delivered. I notice that I've been alerting quite a few client couples recently to the way they express themselves, that especially with a gripe or a complaint, the delivery is crucial, if they want it to be heard and responded to well. In that sense, delivery is everything. If words are delivered as an attack, sure as eggs, they are in turn likely to generate a counter-attack, and so it goes.... But back for a minute to the world of words beyond the therapy room. Lately I've been paying extra attention to the wisdom in the written words of others. I'm the first to admit that quotations, especially from famous people, often sound a bit cheesy. But sometimes too, they can really resonate and be almost uplifting. Here are a few that have caught my attention: "Angels fly because they take themselves lightly." Arianna Huffington "Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." Helen Keller "I don't like people who have never stumbled or fallen. Their virtue is lifeless and isn't of much value. Life hasn't revealed its beauty to them." Boris Pasternak " Don't let the noise of others drown out your own inner voice." Steve Jobs " No one told them it was impossible. So they did it." Mark Twain " In being what we aspire to be, we become that person." David Schnarch "There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." Leonard Cohen This last one is a really good reminder for me, and I think I've mentioned it on these pages before: " Most of us spend our lives as though we had another one in the bank." Ben Irwin In the meantime, go well with your own words and observe the impact they can have on people and the relationships in your life. And watch your delivery... Talk soon...  I've been really surprised over the last couple of weeks about the amount of chit chat going around about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. I guess I've been surprised that we could think that yet another Hollywood separation could be even a little bit interesting. The separation itself was hardly surprising - Katie was eventually going to wise up to Tom's bizarre ways. What is more important is what happens for their daughter Suri now.... According to the tabloids (so it must be true) Katie plans to go for full custody. Sure, we might be quietly cheering Katie for finally breaking out, because Tom has seemingly been pretty weird these last few years, and scientology has clearly stolen his mind. But like any separation, where the players are personally known to us or not, it's very easy to come out with a view regarding who is the most wronged. But what I've been especially thinking about, is that in amongst all this is a child who is still entitled to good quality parenting input from both parents. Unlike thousands of kids around the world who have parents separating, Suri (is that her name? I do get her name mixed up with the name of the iPhone robot) is now going to be relegated to living out her two home existence from the covers of the magazines. It is not her fault that her parents could not resolve the issues in their couple relationship. It's important to remember that whilst the parents (and all other separating parents) might be finishing their couple relationship, their parenting relationship is on-going. Once a couple become parents, subsequently separating will not magically remove the ex-partner from the world of the aggrieved person. Instead it must now be about needing to re-negotiate a new relationship as co-parents, so that the child/ren get the type of good quality parenting that they were and are still entitled to. Like the thousands of parents in the world who separate every day, Tom and Katie will need to negotiate a way in which they can still collaborate as a parenting team. They need to stay focused on this, and so do the teams of expensive lawyers who will now be employed, who will potentially further antagonise the parents against each other, knowing that they (ie. the lawyers) will do better, the more hostility can be generated. But choosing to overlook that when they do escalate the conflict, means that Suri can then only fare worse. Recent research indicates that for around 70% of couples separating, there will be at least one child under the age of sixteen involved. The following points are really important for separating parents to keep in mind: 1) You started out your relationship as being just a couple. Once you had kids, you also commenced a parenting relationship. You might be finishing your couple relationship, but your parenting relationship is on-going. 2) There will be huge implications for the future well-being and mental health of your child, if you expose them to on-going residual conflict & hostility following the finish of your couple relationship. There is now heaps of research available which demonstrates that being openly and continually critical of the other parent in the presence of the child will have psychological impact. For instance your child or children will be more vulnerable over time to mental health issues such as anxiety or depression. They will be less trusting in their own relationships. Even little things which may seem inoccuous to a parent, can have an impact. This includes complaining in the presence of the child, that the other parent has not paid their child support, and that's there is not enough money to do this or that. Or just eye-rolling, or even sighing loudly when the other parent's name is mentioned is potentially damaging. 3) Remembering that when you are critical of the other parent in the presence of your child, you are covertly asking them to take sides. You are also 'bagging' someone who is hugely central in your child's world. You are also bagging someone who you may not love now, but once did love - and your child still loves, and is entitled to love, regardless of your own current views about that other parent. One of the best things you can therefore do for your child post-separation, is speak positively about (regardless of your own views) the other parent in the presence of your child: " your mum is a great person who loves you very much. She can hardly wait for you to go to her house on Friday..." Or "I bet Dad will have some really fun things to do at his house over the holidays. Remember last time when he took you skiing? He loves taking you guys to the mountains." 4) Remember that kids are usually loyal to both parents. But following separation, they become highly attuned to what they think the parent that they are with at that time, will want to hear. So it's not unusual for a child who actually has a good relationship with mum for instance, to be digging her heels in at dad's house, and not wanting to get in the car and go back to mum's, because she is aware that at the moment, dad can't stand the sight of mum. 5) Kids will also try to minimise the stress in their own lives (as do we all), if it seems there is a potentially easy answer to give. So a request such as "you've had cold all day today, so it's probably better if you don't go to dad's for dinner tonight, OK?" is often likely to be met with agreement, even though they might be pretty keen to see dad. In the end, if it means by agreeing, mum will continue to be in a good mood, then the agreeing happens. 6) The point above highlights the potentially stressful stuff that parents can be (often unintentionally) leading their children towards. This can lead to the biggie for parents who have recently separated: "who do you want to live with?" A huge No No of a question to ask kids, as it is loaded with stress for them. Not only is it asking a child to choose between their parents, which is totally unfair, but again it is asking kids to choose sides (see 3 above), as the parent asking the question, is usually expecting the child to choose them. Kids instinctively know that deciding who they should be living with is important enough for adults to be sorting out. Parents do need to work this out between them. Sure, they might take the opinions of an older child into account, but in the end, there is peace of mind for the child to be told something like "your mum/dad and I have been talking, and we've worked out that you are going to be living with.....But we are both going to make sure you have plenty of time to also be with ......" 7) Stay focused on your child post-separation, give them guidlines, give them reassurance (remembering that in the absence of information, kids can even blame themselves for parents separating), give them structure. Because you might feel guilty about bringing upheavel to their lives (and yes, there will be unpheavel), don't let routines slip away, and don't let them get away with stuff that you would have normally been focused on. It's likely that you will see some decline in their behaviour, but this can be minimsed if you reassure them (and answer their questions without burdening them with your worries), and provide as much semblance of "life as usual." The very time that parents are likley to be caught up in their own anger or grief is in those weeks and months post-separation, happens to also co-incide with when kids are most likely to need their parents. 8) Don't use your child because of your hurt and anger, to get at the other parent. Most parents are aghast that they would ever do this, yet it happens so often. (If nobody is doing it, why is this point the one that is most commonly mentioned in all the literature relating to parenting post separation??) Maybe they don't see that they are doing it, maybe they might be somewhat ashamed to admit they might be doing it? Who knows..... The most common form that this takes is a child not being made available to spend time with the other parent, even though that other parent and the child are expecting to see each other: "I know I should have brought Ella over to your place this morning. But she watched a late movie last night, and I just couldn't wake her up this morning..." I've written about this stuff before and I could bang on and on about it forever, because it is so important. The points above only begin to touch on this. Please contact me here if you have any questions about parenting post-separation. If you live in New Zealand, chances are you would be entitled to access free counselling to assist you with this. Talk soon...  "The lift was broken when I was at the gym today. I had to take the stairs." ''My two day shipping took three days." ''Today I was talking to a teenager who had a newer iPhone than mine." "There were absolutely no car parks outside the supermarket. I had to park near shops I didn't need to buy anything from." I had always thought I had lived in a First World Country and that the stuff above was typical of what I should be worrying about. Until an early winter snow storm hit Christchurch this week, and many people (again) lost electricity and therefore heating. Maybe not such a big deal in itself, but many of those people are already living in cracked, drafty and broken houses, some still without flushing toilets, whilst they endure a second winter of wrangling with insurance companies who are digging in their heels big time, and doing very little to repair earthquake damaged homes. Hearing that there were people living in these conditions in my own home town brought me back to earth with a jolt and reminded me again of what many people are grappling with on a day by day basis. Maybe it's inaccurate to describe all of New Zealand as being Third World - not even all of Christchurch fits that description. But certainly large parts of our city are, and no one in any position of responsibility seems to give a toss any more. People are continuing to live in garages and even cars, at a time when night temperatures are frequently falling below zero in a winter that has arrived early & visciously. Meanwhile our own city council focuses on whether or not we should get a new sports stadium, or how big the new conference centre should be, and our employees in the Beehive in Wellington are more concerned with selling off state-owned assets, or tinkering with teacher/student ratios in schools. It feels like the (formerly) second biggest city in NZ is slowly disappearing off the map, and those who have been empowered to help us are staying at home to wash their hair. Residents with destroyed houses (and yes, there are literally thousands of us) have somehow adjusted to being victims of Mother Nature, but are now needing to also adjust to being victims of insurance companies who are more concerned with minimising losses for their share-holders and are stalling every step of the way. And no one with any official status seems to be challenging them. The insurance companies seem to have forgotten that they are actually in business, and that their business is based on taking risks. Mostly they can make huge profits, and they do. But sometimes the risk works against them (although their re-insurers largely absorb this on their behalf), and they need to make big payouts. This is one of those times. So step up and do the honorable thing and start re-housing your policy-holders, as per the contracts you have with them. This has been a major crisis for New Zealand, the biggest disaster since World War Two, yet it has slowly become last year's news and people outside of Christchurch (and many inside) are sick of us complaining. And people are not complaining so much now anyway - they have become so worn down by it all. I can't help but wonder what would be going on if the same catastrophe had instead happened in Auckland. For starters, we would still be all hearing about their plight loudly and clearly. The NZ media (based of course in Auckland) would be speaking of nothing else, even this far down the track. And we would hear about it non-stop, until a major re-build was going on (which it certainly would be by now, if the disaster had happened in Auckland), and everyone living in sub-standard conditions was re-housed. I hope everyone in Christchurch who has been affected will hound EQC and their insurance companies (and CERA, who were sent to save us, but seem to have no sway over insurance companies, and are more concerned with demolishing the city: ''Dear CERA - we don't care about going to the city, if our basic needs of housing are going unmet...") and keep hounding them until things start happening for them. It actually suits the insurance companies if we are quiet and passive, and we do not demand anything from them. Meanwhile, I came across these gems, and they reminded me that keeping perspective is everything: "If you have money in the bank, and in your wallet, you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy." "If you woke up this morning with more health than illness, you are more blessed than the million people who will not survive this week." ''If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the agony of imprisonment or torture, or the horrible pangs of starvation, you are luckier than 500 million people alive and suffering." ''If you can read this, you are more fortunate than 3 billion people in the world who cannot read at all." Go well, stay warm. This is your new blog post. Click here and start typing, or drag in elements from the top bar.
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"Some occasional thoughts about families, relationships, and other things that distract us...."
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