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NEWS FROM THE THERAPY ROOM. Tips and strategies that you can use in your own relationships. |
 Kia Ora and welcome back. First up, a big congratulations if you had a baby this week. I hope your special event didn't feel too overshadowed by a couple in England who managed to do the same thing.
The whole idea of changing ourselves before we can reasonably ask someone else to change seems to have struck a chord with those who regularly read these pages, because quite a few folks have mentioned this, since I wrote about it a few weeks back. (If you haven't read this yet, please feel free to check it out here, and see what you think). I was also reminded recently of something I've written about on these pages several times in the last couple of years. Like the last post on changing ourselves first, this too is something so basic, that it's easy to not see the importance of it. And that's the importance of the state of happiness - how we find it, and how we hold on to it. ("happiness - again? why is he still banging on about this?"). But I also got to wondering if there is something missing in this whole quest for happiness. What I'm meaning is that although happiness is a state to which we aspire a lot of the time, and it's probably one that we should most often think about and work on, it is nevertheless but one of the range of human emotions. We are all pretty complex beasts who are capable of experiencing a raft of emotions, and happiness is but one of them. So yes, we should keep looking out for what makes us happy and go after this whenever possible, as there are many benefits for us in many different ways when we achieve it. But perhaps there is importance too, in being able to accept all the other emotional responses we experience, and try less to push them away as though the Big H is somehow our default position, and that we have failed if we are not achieving it 99% of the time. I'm not claiming that say, anger for instance, is preferable, and no emotional state is, if it's going to hurt us, or anyone that's close to us. I was thinking more that it's important to remember we are complex beings who are fortunate enough to be able to experience a whole range of responses to what goes on in our lives, and that ability can only be good for us, and make our lives all the richer. So I'm not knocking happiness - I value it just as much as anyone else. We all want it, we all need it, and we know this because the internet is overwhelmed with people trying to track it down (eg., if you ask your dear old Aunty Google how to be happy, she's going to come straight back at you with 1.85 billion possible answers. Whew - go aunty, your'e so busy. But if your'e just asking her how to manage your emotions in general, she can only come up with a piffling 44 million ideas). Any emotional state is going to be limiting if it hangs around forever, and it stops any other emotions getting a look in, and thereby prevents us from fully feeling and experiencing our worlds. Because all emotions have their place. How can I not move on from a sad event such as the death of someone special, if I don't allow myself to process it, and feel grief and sadness for a while? And if someone has really set out to deceive me, I'm going to be angry at them for a while, and that's OK. Emotions are at work - and I wouldn't be without them for anything. Later on in the year, I'm going off to do some training in Boston in ACT therapy. It's a model of therapy that focuses on some of these ideas - that unlike many other therapeutic approaches that seek to eliminate our discomforting emotional responses, ACT instead encourages us to recognise these when they arrive and learn to accept them. I'll keep you posted as to how that goes... Talk soon.  Tena koe - thanks for stopping by! In this neck of the woods, the days are closing in, after the most amazing summer that I can recall. The mornings are already chilly, and a couple of days a week I have an early start, so I'm already leaving home in the dark. I hope your summer was good to you - or if you are in part of the world where yours is still slowly winging its way to you, grab it when it arrives, and use it well.
What I want to mention briefly here is something that I've been needing to remind myself of lately. It's kind of like it's fresh out of Therapy 101, so I can't believe that I sometimes overlook this. But it's very easy, when I'm meeting with new clients, to get caught up in wanting to fully understand what their issues are with each other, because this is very important for them, and therefore for me. What that really important thing is, that if the couple or family members I'm sitting with are to have a shot at doing some things for the better, is to draw their attention to this very simple (yet very significant) concept: change begins with me. Time and time again I encounter someone in a family or a couple relationship, who will sound completely plausible, and equally logical, as they voice their expectations about how someone else needs to change: "if only you would do blah blah blah, then everything would be fine...." The reality is of course, that we cannot reasonably expect anyone else to change - not for us, or for anyone. In fact it's quite presumptious to expect someone to change some part of their being or their functioning on the basis that it doesn't suit me, or that it annoys me. What I always want to point out to clients is that first and foremost we need to change ourselves. In fact we can only change ourselves. In any relationship, there is usually stuff that needs to be done differently by everyone who is involved (unless the very same players can state in unison that things are fine just the way they are - in which case they won't be needing therapy anyway), regardless of the type of relationship. And it's surely therefore more honourable to see what I can do differently first - and changing myself is certainly something I have control over. And the big thing here, is that if I have some success at doing things differently, then I'm likely to feel better about myself, and that can only be good. And if I do change myself, then there is a good chance that the other person is likely to then reciprocate and also do something slightly differently themselves. And even if they don't, sure it might be disappointing - but I can still reassure myself that I had some integrity, that there were some things I needed to differently, and I went ahead and did them anyway. That I was at least able to change my part in the relationship. Plus if I change, and the other person still chooses not to, what does that tell me about their commitment or energy for the relationship... Keep in mind too, that I'm not advocating that we cannot expect people whose behaviour might be dangerous, or addictive, to change. We can point out the impact of their behaviour on ourselves and others, and also be clear about what we will now do differently, if they decide not to change. Or if they do. "If you haven't worked on changing yourself, it's a bit of a cop-out to say your relationship is hopeless, because your partner won't change." Dr Bill Doherty "When people are ready to, they change. They never do it before then, and sometimes they die before they get around to it. You can't make them change if they don't want to. Just like when they do, you can't stop them." Andy Warhol. Have a good week - talk soon!  OK - forget what I said last time about not being able to have a holiday, as far as relationships are concerned. The truth is, you probably need to stay on holiday forever. But more about that in a minute....
It's hard to believe, but the Chocolate Season (aka Easter) is upon us all ready, and this usually means the end of the golden weather. The most amazing summer in many a decade has now officially finished in this corner of the world, but even the first month of autumn have been stunning. The country is now mostly in drought conditions, and rain is desperately needed. But that will come. It always does once the colder weather kicks in. But the summer was good to us all, except maybe the poor old farmers. It seemed like the summer was even good for our relationships. Let me explain. Over the last few years, and after each summer holiday period, I've always been somewhat taken with the way clients report back that things have been better for their relationships after they have been on holiday. What is that about? I've been puzzled... When I ask them, there are answers about the fact that they have been more relaxed, the day to day routines are gone for a couple of weeks, and so on. Sure I get that, and it's great that they don't have to go to work or school, and there is, at least for a few weeks, less stress in their lives. But I think that something else happens. And what that is, is that people are more attentive to their relationships. Without all the other demands of life, we manage to push our relationships right up the priority list very easily. It's not earth-shattering stuff. Yet it seems very important. Relationships take work and effort (as I've been banging on about here, for months now). When there are less distractions, less competing demands, somehow we can give relationships the time that they need. What would the said same relationships be like if we gave them the same kind of status in our lives all year around? And why oh why would we not want to do that, when we think about the couple relationship as being the corner stone for so much other stuff in our lives. This is quite intriguing. The careers and the other demands of life that seem to overtake the very relationships that sustain us, become less central, and relationships can take center stage, even if only for a couple of weeks. What would happen to our relationships if we kept them at the top of that priority list all year around? It is so important to keep in mind the order of things. Meaning that the couple relationship is usually the thing that the other parts of our lives emanate from. For instance, parenthood, houses, mortgages, careers, and the other stuff of life, usually happen with the relationship being the launching point or corner stone for these things - if it wasn't there first, then probably none of those other things would be there either. So why would we not therefore see it as needing to be at the top of the list? Yet that other stuff is so frequently placed as a higher priority than the couple relationship, in terms of the time and attention and energy that is put in. Go figure.... This does not apply just to couple relationships either. For instance, local child and adolescent mental health services also report a drop-off in referrals during and just after holiday periods. And yes, the decrease in daily stress is a factor but (as for the couple relationship), parents often report that over the holiday period, they were more able to put in the time in a way that somehow helped their relationship with their child. Of course it's completely unrealistic to be on holiday all year. But what would it mean for our significant relationships if we pretended to be? I'd like to talk further about this, but there's more chocolate arriving and it won't eat itself... If you are new to these pages, you might also want to take a look at what I said here... Catch you soon... 
Well here we are again. In just a matter of days the build up to Christmas is over, and we move in to that weird time of the year when we start to relax and go a bit crazy. What this means for me, is that after just a few days of holiday, I seem to almost forget how to write. Holding a pen seems really awkward and I can't use it comfortably. Then I start to lose track of the names of the days. The only way I can know how long I have been on holiday is to count back the days to when I think I might have finished work. Fortunately it's only been a few days so far, I think, which is all good. Most people here in Christchurch seem to be in need of these holidays. I know I am, even though I had some time away earlier in the year. It has sure been a busy year. Productive too.
Although the earthquakes seem to be dying down, there are still many big challenges ahead for a lot of people and life here remains stressful on many different levels. So it's great that it's felt more of a holiday season so far, than it did at this time last year. That's been helped by the fact that this year, we did not have a series of big quakes right on Christmas, as happened last December 23rd. So people had a more relaxed Christmas this time around. Hopefully no-one had to shovel liquefaction. And then once Christmas Day was done, it was of course time for the Boxing Day sales. Because by then, the stores had been closed for a day, and there was all that stuff we then needed to buy. OK... What goes on for families and relationships at this time of the year is interesting. Christmas (or whatever else it is for you that draws people together) is of course all about families, and so we plan the day around who we are going to see, who we are going to eat a big meal with. We will have also laboured over what gifts we are going to buy. Yet we also know that this time of the year brings stress, that families are not always places of harmony, that the recipe of excess food and alcohol can bring out the worst in people. So I hope you had a great Christmas day, that you enjoyed yourself, and that any tensions were put aside, at least until after the turkey had been dealt to. Now that Christmas day is behind us, there are a few things to keep in mind that can help keep the holidays ahead enjoyable:
That's it - I've got nothing else to say. Not for this year anyway. Other than a big thanks to those of you who continue to visit these pages. It's great to see the number of visitors increasing month by month. I hope you'll drop by again next year. Go well over the holiday period, and be sure to enjoy being in the the company of those who are near to you. Remember too, to somehow stay connected to those who are further away. Best wishes for a happy and rewarding 2013. |
"Some occasional thoughts about families, relationships, and other things that distract us...."
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