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NEWS FROM THE THERAPY ROOM. Tips and strategies that you can use in your own relationships. |
 Hi - welcome back! I hope you are settling in to your new year. Lucky us in New Zealand. The whole country seems to come to a grinding halt for around two to three weeks while everyone takes their summer holidays. I've certainly been enjoying some leisurely times with family and friends. The downside in this country is that road deaths go up at this time of the year, and so do drownings. I'm often banging on about some aspect of our inter-personal relationships on these pages. About how we can improve things with our partners or how we can better parent our kids. I guess this is because most of us have the belief, rightly or wrongly, that we are essentially "relational beings", meaning amongst other things, that our core relationships are very central to our lives, and therefore our well-being. We usually want to "get it right" if we can, so that we can relate to our "significant others" in better ways. This blog, the internet, and in fact the whole world is essentially relationship-focussed. That's all well and good, but it does not take into account that many people are flying solo, and doing pretty well at it. Maybe it's time that successful singles had more airtime. At a basic level, I bet they often think that it is the workmate with the crappy marriage, or the neighbour with the delinquent daughter who won't move out of home, who has got the bum deal. But I'm sure too, that there are many other more substantial ways too, in which single folks are reassuring themselves that their lives are just as rewarding as anyone else's. It seems that we just don't hear so much about the successful solo lifestyle. But the reality is that there is a huge mass of people for whom their primary relationship is with themselves, that they are productive, healthy and very satisfied with life. Yet in a world that is laden with messages about the importance of our relationships with our intimate others, and how to improve these (which is somewhat ironic in itself) the successful solo seems pretty much invisible at times. I can imagine it might be very easy for single folks to feel that they are somehow second class beings - that as humans they have maybe failed because they don't have a partner or kids. And if they don't have a partner, or kids, or both, they wouldn't actually be in that position by choice, that it's surely not a consciously chosen lifestyle, and they are only biding time until "The One" comes along, so that they can finally look the rest of the "successful" human race in the eye. The reality is that single folks probably have a lot to teach the rest of us. If we can't feel OK just being in our own company, being in our own skin, without always needing someone else in close physical proximity, well then that's not so good. Because the reality is, at some stage of our lives, we are likely to wind up by ourselves anyway, so it makes sense to think most of us could do that OK, and even find it a rewarding way of being. It's important to keep in mind too, that the life of the solo flyer is usually just as successful as anyone else's, and that 'alone' does not necessarily equate to 'loneliness'. Singles are likely to be just as sociable as anyone, and they are often way more focused (ie., less distracted), and therefore more successful in their chosen fields, than the rest of us who are often more at the mercy of the ebb and flow of our relationships with kids and partners. Talk soon.... 
 Hi - Welcome back! Readers to these pages will know that over the last few months I've been on a campaign. I've been hot on the trail of those separated or divorced parents who feel that it's OK to be openly hostile, sarcastic, aggressive or just plain complaining about their co-parent (i.e. ex-partner) in the presence of their children. I hope I've had some success - but with some people I've been meeting with face to face, they might have stopped midst complaint about The Other - whilst I've done my little rant - and then they've carried on anyway. I guess I shouldn't have been too surprised (and fortunately their kids were not present at the time), as the research that I've read about this (and there is a limited amount) says this is a common dynamic - that parents can get so caught up in their campaign against the other parent, that they become almost oblivious to the kids in the crossfire. Yet no-one would say for a minute that these parents do not love their kids - they certainly do. So if you are one of these parents - please give some thought to this over the coming holiday season, when kids are more likely to spend more time travelling between their two households. It is important to keep in mind, that the other parent, even if they have let you down time and time again, may be dishonest, unreliable, and maybe not even currently present in the life of your child, are STILL LIKELY TO BE A VERY SIGNIFICANT PERSON in the mind of your child. And that child needs to be able to evaluate their own view of their "significant other adult" without that view being tainted by stuff that sits with you and is likely left over from your couple relationship and its demise. When I talk with separated or divorced parents, I suggest they be alert to this - their beliefs about their former partners' behaviours can become largely ingrained and habitual, and they may not even realise what they are doing/saying yet again. And maybe (if this is you) you no longer bad mouth or criticise him or her - that's great. But remember the small and subtle things you may be still doing in front of your kid: rolling your eyes, or sighing when the other parent's name is mentioned. Don't think for a minute that your kid does not know that you are doing this. I'm not saying for one minute that you need to suddenly do a u-turn with your own beliefs about the other parent. But you need to remember that your views are your views and are shaped by your adult experiences from your former couple relationship. And to openly maintain this negativity in front of your kid/s can be potentially damaging to them in several different ways. And importantly, over time, your child will come to understand what is going on. This ultimately means that your negativity will also eventually intrude into your own relationship with your child - the last thing you want. It is important to demonstrate respect, and at least be able to speak positively about the other parent. If this stuff resonates with you - go you, please have a voice for kids whom you know are living with this stuff. And please feel free to check out here what I mentioned last time around. Here endeth my sermon! In this part of the world - we are all in wind-down mode, in the lead-up to the holiday season. Rightly or wrongly the whole of New Zealand will be getting ready over the next few days to shut down for around two weeks. Nothing much will be happening - at least in a sense of productivity, though it's a time for families to spend lots of time together. And, regardless of some of the stuff I've been rambling on about on these pages this year, it's good to remember that most families manage to put their issues aside, at least for the holiday season, and I hope this is the case for you.... If you need any help with anything I've mentioned today (or on any of the other posts), feel free to contact me here. Happy Christmas/Talk soon.... PS: And about that New Year's Resolution thing? Let yourself off the hook this year....   Hi - welcome back! I know there's been quite a gap since I've written anything here (in fact it was the middle of our winter), as I felt pretty strongly about some of the ideas in my last update on Authoritative Parenting, so I wanted to leave it all there for quite a while. (That's my story, and I'm sticking to it....). One of the things I've been thinking quite a bit about lately, and also continuing to encounter in my work, is the number of kids who are exposed to high levels of parental conflict. I'd always known that whilst kids can be fine with exposure to an amount of low-level conflict (that this exposure can actually be useful modelling for them, so longs as it's not happening all the time, and so long as they actually see parents resolving differences), the impact on them, of parents who are frequently yelling, swearing, ranting, raving, and are frequently volatile and reactive, is actually quite concerning for reasons that I'll mention.... Kids are of course more likely to be at risk from the 'higher end' stuff when parents are separated/divorced and have less opportunity therefore (and usually less of a commitment) to resolve issues. Which is ironic, because parents will often separate because they have conflict which they can no longer manage - thinking, understandably that separation will bring an end to it. But no - for many separating couples, it means the beginning of on-going damaging conflict, which can sometimes last for years - and of course this winds up being the defining back-drop against which their children will then live their lives. The issues that the separated parents are still locked in to fighting about are usually connected to residual stuff that has its origins in the demise of the couple relationship - so with the finish of the couple relationship, that all needs to be left behind so that the kids can get the quality parenting they are entitled to, as it's not their fault that mum and dad could not work through their couple issues. As I wind up saying so often: "they are still entitled to have you working as a parenting team." But I am digressing - back to the impact on kids (of all ages), of on-going parental conflict....From the reading I've been doing recently, the impact is much bigger than I'd understood it to be. But firstly something so important that it needs to be shouted (in a friendly way, of course) : parents are often unaware of the impact of their conflict on their children. And this conflict seemingly affects several different, yet very important areas of their kids lives and their day to day functioning. This includes: (1) Relationships with either or both parents - it can potentially be a challenge for a child or adolescent to a have a full and open relationship with an adult who clearly despises the other central adult in their world, whom they (the young person) would also want to have a full and open relationship with. Kids also come to understand over time, that parent's on-going conflict with each other can take time, energy and attention away from other relationships. (2) Relationships with peers can become difficult, in that young people may feel they are not being accepted, and will have problems in sorting out differences with friends, leading to unsettled friendships, with this being especially so when the young person moves through crucial adolescent years. (3) Sense of self - they will have decreased levels of confidence, and will be less sure of their own abilities. (4) Mental health may be compromised, in that they are more vulnerable to anxiety or depression, either during childhood, or later years. (5) Decreased academic performance. Parental conflict also affects boys and girls differently. Girls are more likely to exhibit higher levels of emotional distress, whereas boy may show higher levels of aggression. Concerning stuff for sure - yet conflicted parents can become so immersed in their own issues that they lose sight of what is really important. Talk soon....  
Thanks for dropping by, and welcome if you are a first-time visitor to these pages. Over the last few months I've been spending quite a bit of my working week talking with parents who have been feeling overwhelmed with the task of raising their adolescents. The young person whom they have previously had a reasonable relationship with has morphed into some idle and disrespectful person who now prioritises their own time with friends over time with family. And when they are with family, they are often sullen and oppositional. Nothing too new or surprising there. But what is concerning is how overwhelmed and even powerless their parents wind up feeling. Parents who have previously felt quite comfortable in their raising of a younger child have seemingly lost much of their confidence and felt out of their depth when it comes to taking charge of a teen. And parental confidence is not helped by young people who seem increasingly worldly and articulate, due to their high levels or electronic connectedness with the wider world... The great news for parents who feel they are only keeping their heads above water, with this is that it is very fixable, though of course like all things family-related, the sooner they get on to this, the easier it is for everyone. They can then wind up feeling back in their rightful place at the helm of the family and meanwhile the young person (even though they may complain and test the parents as they seek to get things back on track) will actually feel more secure and contained also. It's a win-win situation. I often ask parents of adolescents to describe their "parenting style". And if you are wondering what this means, there are around (depending on who you read) 4 or 5 likely different parenting styles. Rather than go through all of those right now, there's just one that I want to suggest that parents should be aiming for. And that's the Authoritative style. But before we get into that, it's really important that we don't confuse that with the Authoritarian style. The two sound very similar, but the authoritative style is respectful of the young person, with regard to their views, their individual development etc., whilst also providing the containment, support and boundaries that enable young people to thrive and develop. Whereas the authoritarian style is usually rigid, black and white and takes no real account of the developing young person. In the end the authoritarian style causes a gulf to develop between parents and kids, at the very life stage (of the young person's development) when parents and young people are needing to remain connected. So what are Authoritative Parents doing differently? 1) Parents role-model good emotional stability. They don't use silent treatment, with either their co-parent or with any of the young people in the house. Nor do they rant and rave and lose the plot (I continue to be surprised by parents who have complained to me over the years of my doing this work, about the way their young person will "act out" with loud or aggressive behaviour. Yet it's soon apparent that the young person has been exposed to these types of behaviours, from either or both parents - who are then dumbfounded when the young person then starts doing this themselves...). 2) Authoritative parents role-model respectful interactions with the young person. This means parents not using sarcasm, belittling comments or verbal insults. This in turn highly increases the chances of the young person being respectful to parents, and to other adult figures in their lives. Parents can't just demand to be respected "because I am the parent." As with all the people we interact with during the course of our lives, if we demonstrate respect, we get it back. 3) Authoritative parents work with each other. Families where one parents rules in an autocratic way, with the other parent then trying to counter this by playing the role of the pacifier or peacemaker or "good guy," is a really common dynamic, yet so unhelpful for everyone involved. Of course parents won't always see eye to eye about everything - that's OK. But for at least say, 80% of the time, adolescents (in fact all the kids in the family) need to see that mum and dad are on the same page, that they back each other, that they can't be played off against each other. The parents will have a shared "parenting policy", that they have both thought out, and for which they will review the effectiveness of from time to time. We know too that not all kids are going to live in intact nuclear families with both parents physically present at all times. But the need for parental consistency remains - so separated or divorced parents need to put aside any adult conflict that is residual to their couple relationship (a "Big Ask" I know - but kids are entitled to this) so that they can provide their adolescent (and any other kids they share) with the type of parenting they need. Parents who have re-partnered need to also have their new partners on board with their parenting approach. 4) Authoritative parents listen to their young person's ideas and opinions. In fact they actively seek these out. Part of being a successful parent involves raising kids who have confidence and belief in their own ideas, even when they may be at odds with significant others. And when it comes to the way parents run things at home, there will be more buy-in for teens, if they have had input into family decision making, remembering too, that it's OK for parents to retain executive decision making responsibility. 5) Authoritative parents don't nag and yell and don't use the same old ineffective methods, all the while expecting different results. They experiment with different approaches. And most importantly, they make good use of rewards and consequences. It's important for the young people in the house to know what is expected of them, to know what their boundaries are. Of course they are going to test these from time to time to see how serious parents are about sticking to their guns. Kids need to know in advance (ie., what the parenting policy is) as to what reasonable consequences will be enforced when they are out of line. Technology is great here, as teens are already so engaged with it. (If it needs to be so intrusive into the lives of families, smart parents are recruiting it more and more as both a reward and a consequence). What's really important too, is to not just focus on "not OK" behaviours, but to also be on the look-out (and of course acknowledge) for good behaviour - parents who do this regularly notice that they (a) get more positive behaviours overall, and (b) their kids are more accepting of consequences when they don't get it right, if they are frequently caught also being good. It's also important to keep rewards fresh and interesting - what a young person is excited about this week will likely become ho-hum in a few weeks. Parents need to remember too, that if they themselves don't stay committed to the importance of rewards, then it's hard to expect their young person to. Parents need to be the Cheer Squad and lead from the front. I've also heard a few parents say over the years, that consequences simply don't work for their teenager because there is nothing they really care about. Well, maybe.... Often this can be a case of a young person conning a parent into thinking that there is nothing that matters to them - but the reality is there will always be something. It's the parent's job to be the detective and find out exactly what that is, and make that work for them. In the end, all stages of our lives, from early childhood to late life, will be shaped by the influence of rewards or consequences in many shapes and forms. (Have a look here for some really useful ideas about how to make consequences work effectively). The Best Bits: Thanks for hanging in there! If you have managed to keep your attention span focused to this far down the page, you are indeed a TIC (True Internet Champion - see my last post...)! So I'm going to reward you by telling you what characteristics and behaviours a young person whose parents use a consistent authoritative parenting style will likely wind up with: 1)They will tend to have happier dispositions. 2) They likely have better emotional control and regulation. 3) They will have better social skills - ie., be respectful and polite in their interactions with others. 4) They will have increased belief in their own ability to learn new skills. Worthwhile persevering if the outcome is a well-rounded and very functional young person, and not forgetting their confident and satisfied parents. If you want to read more about parenting styles from the New Zealand Father and Child website, jump over here. Or if you remember That 70's Show, have a look at the clip below to see more reasons why an authoritarian parenting style does not work.... Good luck with your young person - and if you want any help with this stuff, you can contact me here, and I'll be happy to help out. Talk soon.... |
"Some occasional thoughts about families, relationships, and other things that distract us...."
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