Couple Therapy.
Couples therapy makes up quite a big chunk of my weekly workload and it's something I really enjoy. To equip me for this important work, I've spent a lot of time in developing specific skills for working with couples. Part of this process has been to undertake training with the Gottman Institute in Seattle, USA. Professor John Gottman is currently one of the most prominent couple therapists in the world, with his work supported & validated by many years of research into couple functioning. So I'm fortunate to be one of a very small number of people in New Zealand to have participated in this training.
Because many couples seek therapy in times of a crisis, or in conjunction with a dramatic decline in the quality of their relationship, they usually want therapy to be fairly brief and focused, so that they can get on with their lives & relationships. Therefore there are some aspects of couples therapy that I've found to be fairly useful. These include the following: (1) Encouraging couples to see that conflict is actually OK, and that it usually features in many of the different relationships that are present in our lives. Such relationships are those with bosses/kids/parents/ siblings/friends/colleagues/employees, etc. Conflict is part of being human- it only becomes damaging when we do not manage it well- such as ignoring it completely, or letting it become huge, unresolved and unwieldy... Therefore, (2) partners in couple relationships will invariably see issues through different eyes, and that is OK, as our views of the world are shaped by our own uniqueness. Each person's view is equally valid, yet difficulties arise when one partner feels a need to hold their view as being better or preferred or having more status. So a task of couples therapy is often to explore how both views can be accommodated...(3) Just like kids, adults also need to be caught being/doing good- but when relationship difficulties set in, it is usually follows from a focus on partners finding fault with what the other is doing, with any good stuff going unacknowledged or ignored. Changing this focus alone, can bring big improvement to a relationship... (4). Roles are important- I've noticed that people often slot into particular roles early on in a relationship, and do not re-examine these as the years go by.
Roles are very often influenced by gender, and also influenced by what we have grown up with in families of origin-even if the roles may not have worked especially well back then, either. A common example has been one partner being a bread-winner, and one being an at-home parent. This might be OK in the early life of a new family, but may not fit years later, when children are bigger, and the at-home parent has missed out on career opportunities, and is sick of feeling unrewarded.... These are some of the areas I've found helpful to focus on. But I'm aware too, that every couple is different, and therefore therapy needs to address what they bring in the door with them.
For your own interest sake, take a couple of minutes to complete this quiz: How well do you know your partner. What can be a real concern, is when I hear that couples simply do not put the time aside for their relationship: ''yes, we did agree to talk with each other one to one during the week, but we simply did not have the time..." I will often then ponder with them, as to what could be more of a priority than their relationship. Their couple relationship was and is the cornerstone or foundation for their family, both in its origins, but in it's current state. There will always be competing needs from other sources (work/kids/sports/committees/wider family/paying bills/grocery shopping etc) for their time and input- but unless they are protective of this relationship, all that other stuff will fall over anyway. And many of those other things would not be there in the first place, if the couple relationship had not been the beginning of it all. Most important of all, is that the kids in the family will actually be more secure, and better functioning, when their parents actually look after their relationship.
If you wish to see me for couples therapy, it's very likely that you can have six free sessions funded for you through the Family Court. It's usually just a matter of going in to the Family Court in Christchurch. However since the earthquake, they have needed to move out of the city. This means that FC staff are OK for you to currently make a counselling application by filling out an application form with your counsellor, who can provide a form for you at the first session. You can also download the form here to save time.
The counselling application form is called an 'FP1.' You will need to print it out to compete it, as it is in PDF format. If you are filling it out in advance, and you want to see me, make sure you include my name, so that the Family Court staff will know who to allocate you to. It's then just a matter of forwarding the completed form back to the Family Court. Please contact me if you have any questions about this process, or anything else relating to couple's therapy. You may also want to visit the Family Court website, yourself if you are in the process of separation, or if there are issues/differences post-separation regarding the co-parenting of your children, or if you have any other questions about their services.
And if you are currently receptive to thinking about your children, in terms of the effects of separation and divorce on them, please have a look here. There is some really useful info from Robert Emery, who might be considered an 'expert' when it comes to having researched the impact on children. He also has some useful information for including in an age-appropriate parenting plan and also discusses the basics as to whether or not couples even should separate, should there be children involved. Have a look- it's good stuff.
Family Therapy.
I love working with families- even if only part of the family is present in therapy. The profession of systemic family therapy in New Zealand remains very undeveloped in comparison to other western countries, and there are still very few therapists in NZ who have completed substantial training. This is a shame in many ways- but in a strange and round-about way, has helped my professional journey along.
I've completed lengthy training in a range of systemic family therapies, with the first part of this process being completion of a clinical training programme in Melbourne, Australia. Since then, I've completed many other shorter courses and programmes within the USA, Australia & New Zealand, and have had good exposure to the works of many of the leaders in the field. I have developed sufficient expertise to the extent that I have taught family therapy (at both post-grad and under-grad levels) in several different university settings, in addition to providing training for numerous agencies and groups over the years.
Systemic family therapy (as the family truly is a natural living system) focuses on the entirety of the family, how it fits together, how it functions. It is concerned with the family as a whole, and therefore being greater than the sum of its parts. In particular, I'm interested in boundaries and structure, knowing that families are healthier & more functional when these aspects are clearer. As with couples therapy, there can be value in examining why family members do what they do, ie., why do people take on particular roles in families? Is it because this is what is needed right now, or does the family member just do what they have always done, even though this is no longer helpful? I believe that whilst individual family members always need to take responsibility for their own behaviour, we can often enhance our understandings of individual behaviours when these are seen with the context of the family system & what has shaped it.
Something useful to do is to weigh up as an adult, how caught up in family of origin dynamics you may be. At one level, we will of course, always be influenced by family, and that is natural and normal, and is of course essential to many aspects of our functioning. Sometimes though, these influences can bring limitations and constraints which are no longer helpful, or even healthy. Contact me on this link so I can forward you a brief quiz (write the code 'FOO' in the subject line) which you can use to explore your degree of differentiation from your family of origin. I believe family of origin influences sit with us throughout our entire life-span to varying degrees, and will shape many aspects of our being, in ways which we are often not aware of.
Family therapy addresses a whole range of issues- such as concerns regarding child or adolescent behaviour, blended family issues, parenting issues, the impact of physical or mental illness, the impact of life transitions such as relocation, migration or redundancy.
Individual Therapy.
Although the focus of my work is on couples and families, I also work with a significant number of individual clients of all ages, as issues and dynamics present in couple or family relationships will or course have relevance for many individuals. Individual clients are also likely to be addressing any number of issues, such as depression, anxiety, excessive anger, self-esteem, relationship concerns, life transitions & recovery from significant early-life traumas, such as abuse. Referrals for individual counselling & therapy have come from GPs, emergency services, mental health sector bases, work-places.
I will often work systemically with individual clients- this includes looking at what influences have shaped their lives: whose values, whose attitudes, whose voices have had most sway over them, and how helpful (or not) has this been? In therapy with individuals (indeed with all clients), I have the belief that we are all resourceful- that everyone ultimately has the wisdom and the personal competency to do what they need to do to move forward.
A big part of my work with individual clients is with adolescents, who might be high school age, or older. Issues they might be grappling with will include those mentioned above, and they are often referred to me from their school, or by a parent or doctor. Although parents need to stay focused on supporting their young person through this important stage of their development , there is often usefulness in sourcing a fresh perspective from outside of home, especially if the issues are remaining unresolved, and are leading to increased conflict at home. Although the focus of these sessions is the young person, they can often be powerless to address some of the external factors that are limiting or distressing them. How necessary information is fed back to parents or caregivers, so that they can support the young person accordingly is very important.
I've noticed that parents can feel increasingly powerless, as adolescents move further into their teen years. Kids can sound increasingly articulate and rational, meaning that parents will often back away from taking a stand, for fear of it leading to escalations in tension and conflict in the household. It's important for parents to keep in mind that they are still the parent, that even though the young person may sound quite plausible, quite convincing, they still possess very limited wisdom and life-experience in comparison to mum or dad. Young people will generally push up against the boundaries or limitations that parents set for them, but will nevertheless feel heightened security when these boundaries are present, and when mum or dad stand their ground and are consistent.
When Is a Good Time for Therapy?
This is a really interesting question... As you can probably understand, most people tend to seek out therapy when they are in the midst of a crisis... And that makes sense. However it's really important too, to be able to reflect on how we are in a particular relationship. More specifically, it's useful to look at the dynamics, the uniqueness of the relationship, and of course identify its strengths.
These tasks are probably best attended to when we are not in crisis, when we can take the time to learn to manage the relationship more pro-actively. This increases the resourcefulness and resilience of the relationship and the people in it, meaning of course that they are better prepared for the future, and thus more likely to not get into another crisis. So, now's good!
Couples therapy makes up quite a big chunk of my weekly workload and it's something I really enjoy. To equip me for this important work, I've spent a lot of time in developing specific skills for working with couples. Part of this process has been to undertake training with the Gottman Institute in Seattle, USA. Professor John Gottman is currently one of the most prominent couple therapists in the world, with his work supported & validated by many years of research into couple functioning. So I'm fortunate to be one of a very small number of people in New Zealand to have participated in this training.
Because many couples seek therapy in times of a crisis, or in conjunction with a dramatic decline in the quality of their relationship, they usually want therapy to be fairly brief and focused, so that they can get on with their lives & relationships. Therefore there are some aspects of couples therapy that I've found to be fairly useful. These include the following: (1) Encouraging couples to see that conflict is actually OK, and that it usually features in many of the different relationships that are present in our lives. Such relationships are those with bosses/kids/parents/ siblings/friends/colleagues/employees, etc. Conflict is part of being human- it only becomes damaging when we do not manage it well- such as ignoring it completely, or letting it become huge, unresolved and unwieldy... Therefore, (2) partners in couple relationships will invariably see issues through different eyes, and that is OK, as our views of the world are shaped by our own uniqueness. Each person's view is equally valid, yet difficulties arise when one partner feels a need to hold their view as being better or preferred or having more status. So a task of couples therapy is often to explore how both views can be accommodated...(3) Just like kids, adults also need to be caught being/doing good- but when relationship difficulties set in, it is usually follows from a focus on partners finding fault with what the other is doing, with any good stuff going unacknowledged or ignored. Changing this focus alone, can bring big improvement to a relationship... (4). Roles are important- I've noticed that people often slot into particular roles early on in a relationship, and do not re-examine these as the years go by.
Roles are very often influenced by gender, and also influenced by what we have grown up with in families of origin-even if the roles may not have worked especially well back then, either. A common example has been one partner being a bread-winner, and one being an at-home parent. This might be OK in the early life of a new family, but may not fit years later, when children are bigger, and the at-home parent has missed out on career opportunities, and is sick of feeling unrewarded.... These are some of the areas I've found helpful to focus on. But I'm aware too, that every couple is different, and therefore therapy needs to address what they bring in the door with them.
For your own interest sake, take a couple of minutes to complete this quiz: How well do you know your partner. What can be a real concern, is when I hear that couples simply do not put the time aside for their relationship: ''yes, we did agree to talk with each other one to one during the week, but we simply did not have the time..." I will often then ponder with them, as to what could be more of a priority than their relationship. Their couple relationship was and is the cornerstone or foundation for their family, both in its origins, but in it's current state. There will always be competing needs from other sources (work/kids/sports/committees/wider family/paying bills/grocery shopping etc) for their time and input- but unless they are protective of this relationship, all that other stuff will fall over anyway. And many of those other things would not be there in the first place, if the couple relationship had not been the beginning of it all. Most important of all, is that the kids in the family will actually be more secure, and better functioning, when their parents actually look after their relationship.
If you wish to see me for couples therapy, it's very likely that you can have six free sessions funded for you through the Family Court. It's usually just a matter of going in to the Family Court in Christchurch. However since the earthquake, they have needed to move out of the city. This means that FC staff are OK for you to currently make a counselling application by filling out an application form with your counsellor, who can provide a form for you at the first session. You can also download the form here to save time.
The counselling application form is called an 'FP1.' You will need to print it out to compete it, as it is in PDF format. If you are filling it out in advance, and you want to see me, make sure you include my name, so that the Family Court staff will know who to allocate you to. It's then just a matter of forwarding the completed form back to the Family Court. Please contact me if you have any questions about this process, or anything else relating to couple's therapy. You may also want to visit the Family Court website, yourself if you are in the process of separation, or if there are issues/differences post-separation regarding the co-parenting of your children, or if you have any other questions about their services.
And if you are currently receptive to thinking about your children, in terms of the effects of separation and divorce on them, please have a look here. There is some really useful info from Robert Emery, who might be considered an 'expert' when it comes to having researched the impact on children. He also has some useful information for including in an age-appropriate parenting plan and also discusses the basics as to whether or not couples even should separate, should there be children involved. Have a look- it's good stuff.
Family Therapy.
I love working with families- even if only part of the family is present in therapy. The profession of systemic family therapy in New Zealand remains very undeveloped in comparison to other western countries, and there are still very few therapists in NZ who have completed substantial training. This is a shame in many ways- but in a strange and round-about way, has helped my professional journey along.
I've completed lengthy training in a range of systemic family therapies, with the first part of this process being completion of a clinical training programme in Melbourne, Australia. Since then, I've completed many other shorter courses and programmes within the USA, Australia & New Zealand, and have had good exposure to the works of many of the leaders in the field. I have developed sufficient expertise to the extent that I have taught family therapy (at both post-grad and under-grad levels) in several different university settings, in addition to providing training for numerous agencies and groups over the years.
Systemic family therapy (as the family truly is a natural living system) focuses on the entirety of the family, how it fits together, how it functions. It is concerned with the family as a whole, and therefore being greater than the sum of its parts. In particular, I'm interested in boundaries and structure, knowing that families are healthier & more functional when these aspects are clearer. As with couples therapy, there can be value in examining why family members do what they do, ie., why do people take on particular roles in families? Is it because this is what is needed right now, or does the family member just do what they have always done, even though this is no longer helpful? I believe that whilst individual family members always need to take responsibility for their own behaviour, we can often enhance our understandings of individual behaviours when these are seen with the context of the family system & what has shaped it.
Something useful to do is to weigh up as an adult, how caught up in family of origin dynamics you may be. At one level, we will of course, always be influenced by family, and that is natural and normal, and is of course essential to many aspects of our functioning. Sometimes though, these influences can bring limitations and constraints which are no longer helpful, or even healthy. Contact me on this link so I can forward you a brief quiz (write the code 'FOO' in the subject line) which you can use to explore your degree of differentiation from your family of origin. I believe family of origin influences sit with us throughout our entire life-span to varying degrees, and will shape many aspects of our being, in ways which we are often not aware of.
Family therapy addresses a whole range of issues- such as concerns regarding child or adolescent behaviour, blended family issues, parenting issues, the impact of physical or mental illness, the impact of life transitions such as relocation, migration or redundancy.
Individual Therapy.
Although the focus of my work is on couples and families, I also work with a significant number of individual clients of all ages, as issues and dynamics present in couple or family relationships will or course have relevance for many individuals. Individual clients are also likely to be addressing any number of issues, such as depression, anxiety, excessive anger, self-esteem, relationship concerns, life transitions & recovery from significant early-life traumas, such as abuse. Referrals for individual counselling & therapy have come from GPs, emergency services, mental health sector bases, work-places.
I will often work systemically with individual clients- this includes looking at what influences have shaped their lives: whose values, whose attitudes, whose voices have had most sway over them, and how helpful (or not) has this been? In therapy with individuals (indeed with all clients), I have the belief that we are all resourceful- that everyone ultimately has the wisdom and the personal competency to do what they need to do to move forward.
A big part of my work with individual clients is with adolescents, who might be high school age, or older. Issues they might be grappling with will include those mentioned above, and they are often referred to me from their school, or by a parent or doctor. Although parents need to stay focused on supporting their young person through this important stage of their development , there is often usefulness in sourcing a fresh perspective from outside of home, especially if the issues are remaining unresolved, and are leading to increased conflict at home. Although the focus of these sessions is the young person, they can often be powerless to address some of the external factors that are limiting or distressing them. How necessary information is fed back to parents or caregivers, so that they can support the young person accordingly is very important.
I've noticed that parents can feel increasingly powerless, as adolescents move further into their teen years. Kids can sound increasingly articulate and rational, meaning that parents will often back away from taking a stand, for fear of it leading to escalations in tension and conflict in the household. It's important for parents to keep in mind that they are still the parent, that even though the young person may sound quite plausible, quite convincing, they still possess very limited wisdom and life-experience in comparison to mum or dad. Young people will generally push up against the boundaries or limitations that parents set for them, but will nevertheless feel heightened security when these boundaries are present, and when mum or dad stand their ground and are consistent.
When Is a Good Time for Therapy?
This is a really interesting question... As you can probably understand, most people tend to seek out therapy when they are in the midst of a crisis... And that makes sense. However it's really important too, to be able to reflect on how we are in a particular relationship. More specifically, it's useful to look at the dynamics, the uniqueness of the relationship, and of course identify its strengths.
These tasks are probably best attended to when we are not in crisis, when we can take the time to learn to manage the relationship more pro-actively. This increases the resourcefulness and resilience of the relationship and the people in it, meaning of course that they are better prepared for the future, and thus more likely to not get into another crisis. So, now's good!
