In times of wider stress in the community, relationships are so important. And I'm meaning all of those relationships that feature in our lives. They provide so many important resources that can help people's individual resilience.  

For today, I'm focusing in on couple relationships. A good relationship is literally our Port in the Storm. Yet here in Christchurch New Zealand, recent reports indicate we are doing some strange things in our couple relationships. For instance, we have the highest rates of infidelity in the country right now. Wow- at a time when  the city is in some sort of post-chaotic phase, and uncertainty about so many things is the only thing that is certain, people are making their lives even more fraught, and more unstable than they need to be, by having affairs. Go figure.... 

And if you are thinking about having a clandestine affair, but can't quite be bothered getting off the couch to find someone to be doing the sneaking around with, there has been a bunch of new websites coming on line, to help folks with the very purpose. And no, I won't be posting links to those sites here today. 

Call me old fashioned, but I believe that lives are much less chaotic, much more satisfying, if people actually work on the relationships that they are already in. Because if a relationship is developing problems, and one of the partners is (not) addressing this by having an affair, then sure as eggs, they may finish their current relationship, but there will be issues in their next relationship. So it makes sense to roll the sleeves up, take a deep breath and do the work to fix the current relationship. And yes, they do all require work- whether you have been together four days or forty years. 

I've mentioned here before, some of the things we need to stay focused on, to keep relationships healthy, alive, and rewarding. And I know too,  in reality that relationships in all their complexity, cannot always be turned around with a few simple bullet points in a blog posting. If your relationship is really in trouble, you owe it to yourself and your partner to do something about it. Contact me here, if you have any queries about how to kick that process off.

In the meantime however, there are some things that can and and will help your relationship- and even though relationships can be complex beasts, they are usually quite fixable- and what it takes to fix them is not rocket science. So keep in mind that what follows are just a few of the things that are important in healthy and rewarding relationships. You will have seen some of these before- I've written about them in earlier posts, plus theses and similar ideas are present in varying forms on a squillion other websites, and in thousand of books. Might just mean they are important!

• Relationships take time. It took time to build the relationship in the early days of the couple first meeting- yet it's puzzling that people will think that the longer a relationship progresses, the less time it needs. From day one- until the very end (for whatever reason that may be), it needs time, energy and input. People lose sight of the importance of the relationship, it slips further and further down the priority list, even though it is the foundation-stone for so many other parts of the couple's lives: if the relationship hadn't been there to begin with, the kids probably would have been born, there would be no mortgage, careers would be less significant, etc etc. So give it the time and centrality it deserves, if you value all those other things that sprang from it.
  
• Notice what goes well in the relationship and mention it. We need to do this with our kids, our parents, our workmates, etc. In fact we probably need to do this in all the relationships that we value. Human nature being what it is, we are generally quick to criticise, slower to compliment. There are two simple, yet important reasons for mentioning when your partner has done something well: (1) they are then likely to do more of it- and (2) when there is an increase in positive comments between the partners, it makes the relationship more resilient (that word again) to those periods of conflict. Which will happen because.....
• Conflict is inevitable in relationships. It's not a bad thing at all-  it demonstrates that the people involved in the conflict have differing views of the world, & this is evidence of them each being unique individuals, and it therefore adds to the relationship. However conflict becomes problematic when couples do not handle it well. Not handling it well includes things like allowing it to escalate into something big and vicious; using sarcasm; bringing up old issues that may have nothing to do with the current conflict; not being able to let things go; not being able to apologise; not being able to accept that you may actually be wrong. Remember too, that couples can have different tolerances for the expression of  conflict: some partners will be OK with the yelling, others feel overwhelmed if voices are raised. Neither is right or wrong, just different- the difference in styles is often connected with what was modeled for us in our families of origin. Therefore,
• Know what your key differences are and work out how you will deal with these. These might be around the Old Regulars such as religion and politics (though couples often become aligned in these areas over time), or other areas such as money, frequency of sex, how to parent kids etc. It's important to reach middle ground with these, so that neither partner feels their own views have been negated. It's really important too, to again reflect on where individual views have come from. For instance, do you wind up parenting this way, mainly because this is the approach your parents used with you....
• Work out how much time the relationship needs. It's really important that partners work out a balance around this. Clearly, avoiding any couple time at all is not going to work and will spell doom for the relationship. Similarly, relationships where the couple are living in each other's pockets 24/7 is probably not going be that healthy either... Whilst shared friendships and interests are important, so is maintaining a sense of self, by pursuing things that are just theirs alone- there are two important reasons for this. Firstly, it means they retain a sense of who they are as individuals, and secondly, they have something fresh that they can bring back and talk about with their partner....

Of course, there are going to be a whole bunch of other factors, but these are some that are especially important. 

If you are OK with lists and bullet points (yep, I'm still annoyed by them- yep, I know I've used them yet again....) take a look  at some ideas from Michele Weiner-Davis.  I've always enjoyed her straight-forward common sense approach and these relationship resolutions are excellent. 

And if you are a man who has just come out of a relationship- you need to look at this.

Talk soon!

Happy New Year.... I hope your year is off to a good start. Thanks for coming back here for another visit, and for keeping the readership numbers on this newsletter  humming along. The numbers continue to increase each month, and they have been quite high over the holiday period, which I guess is the time we are more likely to relax and read things. The holiday period too, is the time that family stress levels can increase, due to a whole range of factors.

Here in Christchurch New Zealand, stress levels for many people have increased for another reason over the holiday period, namely the return of some quite nasty earthquakes, just when we were all beginning to relax and  enjoy their apparent departure. The experts are now telling us that we can expect earthquakes to come and go for the next 3-4 years. (Bruce groans loudly.....). With the latest round of quakes, the true gems of humanity, (who no doubt have high levels of resilience- an important topic for today) have been out and about helping folks. I wrote about them once before.

An important task for us all during the year ahead will be to reflect on how we will handle our own stress levels, which are in turn likely to be influenced for many of us here, by the earthquake factor. So I'm talking today about resilience, not only in the face of earthquakes, but all the other stressful events that life on this planet can throw at us. Part of being a living breathing human being, is remembering that with life, comes stress. Not just human-relationship type stress, but from time to time, stress comes from disasters of epic proportions. I for one, had gotten in to a long-standing and misguided belief that hard things dished out by Mother Earth (eg., fires, floods and other disasters) really only happen in other countries, and not in our cosy little corner of the world. Boy oh boy- how naive.

Our individual ability to deal with such external stress factors are in turn  shaped by our own levels of resilience. Some of us are likely to be more resilient than others, because pure and simply, that's the way we have been built, (though there is of course much more to individual resilience than pure biology). However, there are always things we can do, that will enhance our resilience, which in turn will equip us better to deal with the stressful stuff of life, be that earthquakes or whatever else that life launches in our direction.

 Some things to think about which will enhance resilience levels include the following:

1. Remember that it is our thinking about the stressful stuff in life that is crucial. This is so important- it is not the even itself, but what we actually think about the event. (Useful hint: will we be overwhelmed by the event, or will we remind ourselves that we can cope, that we have coped with challenging things before, and have survived them).
2. In the face of hard situations, do we model calmness and confidence for others (and therefore ourselves) around us, or do they instead see us as being panicky and overwhelmed? 
3. If you are feeling overwhelmed yourself, do you feel better if you are in the company of negative and agitated people, or are you better in the company of calm people who are practical and level-headed?
4. As I've stated before, even if we cannot always genuinely feel calm or confident, pretending to feel this can actually be a very important first step. 
5. Will you be resilient, or will you be resistant? Knowing that crises and difficult times are usually associated with change, can we accept change, and know that it is part of life, or do we find any change difficult? (Useful hint: remember that you have negotiated your way through much change in your life already....)
6. If the stressful event is occurring over an extended period of time, can you focus on other things, so that the stressful event does not become the total center of your being? (Useful hint: making yourself do other things, especially pleasurable things, will be important, even if to start with, it all feels a bit forced and shallow).
7. Know who your supports are. We are naturally more resilient when we can talk with others about what we are experiencing. This helps us to make sense of situations, to process and move forward. (Useful hint: if you notice the people you are talking to are getting too immersed in the conversation, that their own outlook is quite bleak and negative and you are feeling worse as a result, then it's time to be selective about who you talk to).
8. Weigh up whether you are proactive or reactive in the way you conduct your life. Admittedly it's hard to take charge of some events that can seem really huge. But it's still always important to be thinking about those day to day situations and how to stay in the driver's seat of our own lives. With the smaller events of life,  are you in charge of your life and charting the direction you want to be moving in, or are you instead just using all your energy to survive whatever difficult stuff next comes along?

Get an understanding of your own resilience levels by doing this quick quizz over at the psychology.com site.

Talk soon,

Bruce

Well here, we are, it's that time of year again. For many folks here in Christchurch, the end of this year in particular can't come fast enough. It's truly been the Year From Hell, so it's nice to be looking forward to some relaxing days ahead during the holiday season. As always though, there are ways in which we can make the holiday season less stressful,  more enjoyable and rewarding:

1. Refuse to buy the kids on your gift list anything plastic that was made in China. The gift will be broken before you even make it to the Christmas pudding. Although chances are, that the small person involved won't even notice, because they will have received a dozen other items of this calibre, and they probably won't remember that it was you that gave it to them. 
   
2. Remember too that the malls see Christmas as a huge marketing gig. Sales once upon a time use to start on Boxing Day- now they start before Christmas. Don't get caught up in mall hype. Don't go into any store that is playing Snoopy's Christmas.
3. We know that family en masse means that conflict is highly likely to be on the cards during some stage of the day's proceedings. Expect it. All families have conflict, and it's more likely to happen at Christmas for a whole variety of reasons. You can only control your own role in any family conflict.
4. You can't control what others may do or say, but you can monitor you own behaviour, so that you can feel OK with how you have conducted yourself. Leaving the host's house reasonably sober is also worth striving for, if you haven't managed that for a few years now.
5. Don't over-commit yourself by agreeing to visit five different sets of relatives on the day. Yes, this does happen....
6. If having extended family to your place, or visiting them, is too much to even contemplate, think about ways in which you can start to create your own rituals and traditions, which is the stuff that Christmas is made of. Then stay at home and do just that.
7. If you do wind up with the Whole Fam Damily at your place, make sure everyone has some sort of job to do. If you feel an obligation to do the whole lot (you martyr, you....), chances are you are going to wind up resenting everyone by the time the Christmas pudding arrives. People will feel more useful  & involved if they are doing something and you will be less stressed.
8. Remember that goats are now officially out as Christmas gifts. No one is giving them anymore. That idea never really took off. Send it back now, even if you got a really good deal....
9. Keep the technology at bay for the day, even if it means there's no Angry Birds, and you don't get to hear the Queen's message (it'll be just the same as the one she gave in 1985...).
10. Chances are that this Christmas is going to look fairly much like the one you had last year, and the year before that. What can you do to make it stand out, so that in ten years time, you are still saying to anyone who will listen "remember  that Christmas back in 2011, when I....."

If you want some additional ideas about managing conflict, especially in family relationships, have a look at these useful pointers...

A big thanks to  the increasing numbers of  people who have visited these pages throughout the year. Have a great Christmas.


Christmas Quote: Getting ready for Christmas is just like being at the office. You do all the hard work, and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

Brothers and sisters- 80% of us have got them, and they can be  a blessing or they can be the curse of our lives. Chances are they will be either of these things from time to time. Mostly though we want our sibling relationships to go OK. Unless you're a Kardashian and you've really figured out how to turn mediocre family relationships into a multi-million dollar industry. 

The sibling relationship is often the longest one in our lives, longer than that between spouses, longer than that between parents and children. Yet of all the family relationships, there is less written about this one in comparison to all the others.  The couple relationship is the clear winner in the media attention department, closely followed in second place by the parent/child relationship. The less glamorous sibling relationship is well down the list in the publicity department.  

Childhood sibling relationships are filled with all sorts of contrasts- competition and collaboration, love and hate, envy and admiration. Most of these extremes will dissipate somewhat as childhood and adolescence progresses and eventually passes - but conflicted sibs can get stuck in childhood patterns for life, with something like 30% of adult siblings reporting conflicted or distant relationships at later life-stages. Yet its really important for most of us to think about who our supports are in life, who understands us better. And because of our shared childhood experiences and how these ultimately shape us, a sibling is often likely to understand us better than anyone and can therefore be a real resource for us. 

Difficult adult sibling relationships have often had their origins in childhood- yet the conflict can continue to last for decades, with either party no longer being able to describe what kicked it all off... 

Before I go on- a quick word again about conflict....As I've said several times before on these pages, conflict is OK, it is part of being human, and there is likely to be conflict in the sibling relationship, as there is in all our relationships. However conflict becomes damaging when it is unacknowledged by either or all the parties involved, and when there is no motivation to address it or resolve it. It becomes entrenched and damaging. 

So what exactly can be done to get adult sibling relationships back on track??

1) Look at the role you might play in keeping conflict with your sibling/s going- it takes at least two to keep conflict alive.

2) Remember that you are each unique individuals, even though you might have been raised in the same house and by the same parents. Never the less you will each have your own view of the world, and that is as it should be. Don't be affronted when your sibling sees things differently to you.

3) On the other hand, no-one else but your siblings are likely to come close to understanding those early influences in your life that have shaped you in to the person you are today. Value the shared history that only siblings can understand.

4) Be wary of not relating to your adult sibling as though they are still a child.  Patterns of relating to each other as adults are frequently set down in childhood, and can persist right through adulthood, eg., the youngest child who, through no fault of their own, has always been perceived by older sibs to have been spoiled by parents, and is still resented for this during adulthood.

5) If you are stuck in a sibling conflict that has gone on for years (do you even remember what started it all? ), take the first step towards fixing it - someone needs to, and it might as well be you.  Be the big person.

6) For  sibling conflicts that might develop in the present day, address them quickly, so that they don't become stuck and magnified.

7) Don't expect your siblings to initiate all the contact with you. The relationship is just as much your responsibility.

8) Put time in to your relationships with siblings- all relationships take time and effort, yet it's easy to to see the adult sibling relationship as less of a priority than those relationships that are more central in our lives.

Enjoy your sibs, get the relationship sorted. You may be stuck with each other for much longer than you had imagined. 

Thanks again for dropping by... If you want to read some earlier stuff I've written about sibling relationships, jump right over here....

Wise words on the left from the Dalai Lama, via my friend Sandy (whose FB page I stole this from- thanks Sandy, that's what you get for being inspirational). 

The words from the DL resonated with me, as living in the present is something I've been thinking quite a bit about lately, and trying to do more of. He's saying something really important here. I guess he's quite lucky too. Because if he does not quite manage to live in the present at all times (though I'm sure he does a much better job at it than most of us), as a Buddhist, he's going to have plenty of incarnations in the future, where he can come back in his next lives and have another shot at it, until he eventually gets it right. 

The rest of us (ie., non Buddhists) will need to focus on living in the present in our current  lives. And living in our current lives is so important. Another wise person (I've forgotten who, but I don't think it was the Dalai Lama- although a Buddhist would think this anyway) said that the majority of us live our lives like we have got another one in the bank.

What does it really mean, to be living continually in the past, or always waiting for the future? It means we are going to be frequently disappointed. And at the risk of being overly dramatic, we are not really fully alive, if we are continually living in another time and place. The past can never be recreated, and in any case, the past is always a mix of good and not so good stuff, so why would you really want to  be back there? 

The best thing about the past is what we have taken from it, what we have learned about ourselves, so that we can live more fully in (yes, you guessed it) the present.  And conversely, to continually live in the future means we are simply missing on out on so much of the good stuff that is in our lives right here, right now. Read what the wise man at the top of the page has said about the hazzards of living only for the future- he is much more eloquent in these matters than I can ever hope to be...

Some recent research from the psychology department at Harvard University has discovered that we tend to float away from being in the present around 46% of the time. And (here's the important bit) even if we are day-dreaming about being somewhere wonderful, or doing something really fun and fantastic, we are actually less happy on those occasions. Wow.

So what do we need to do,  to live in the present? I can't claim to be an expert about this, but in my line of work, I've picked up some really useful tips along the way....

1) Savor the moment. Be aware of what you are doing, right here, right now. Whatever it is you are doing, think about just that. Immerse yourself in it.  To really focus in on this, describe your surroundings to yourself, state what you are actually doing, saying this out loud. (Yes, if you are not alone at the time, there is a risk you'll be considered deranged...)

2) Enjoy your body. An important ingredient for living in the present is to be satisfied with ourselves, including our bodies. Regardless of how you judge it, regardless of whether or not it's the shape or size of the one you had really hoped for. Sure, maybe it could have been fatter/thinner/shorter/taller/darker/lighter. But it works, and most of the time it does what you need it to do. Don't judge it,  just enjoy it, thank it. It's hung in there with you this far. Marvel at what it can do, rather than what it can't. It's the vehicle that's getting you through this life- nothing else can do this for you.    When you are looking at your body, admiring it, and valuing the genuine work of genius that it is, remind yourself too, that your body is actually living in the present at all times. It is only our minds that are drawing us to a future that hasn't happened yet, or to a past that has gone, and therefore cannot be changed. 

3) "This is me doing this." We are faced with having to do all sorts  of mundane things we don't want to do. Doing the dishes. Washing the car. Vacuuming. Mowing the lawn. Boring, boring, boring. Doing these things mean we are likely to easily get distracted and have our minds wander off somewhere else. And of course that is a good thing to do sometimes. But if we can stay focused on these tasks, immerse ourselves in them, they can actually become quite calming & meditative. One way to help this happen is to kick the task of with the statement ''this is me doing this...." And again, the statement will have more impact if you say it out loud- say it several times while you are doing the task. 

4) Rely less on the technology.   Let's face it, the technology has got us all. More and more of us  are pretty much addicted now to the fancy gadgets. The computers, the i-thingies, etc etc. The Harvard research that I mentioned above also discovered that as much as we love these (and yes, I'm putting my hand up here) things, we are actually less happy when we are using them.  It makes sense, because we are clearly not in the here and now when those things have our attention- their job after all, is to transport us somewhere else. Yet our lives are more satisfying, we are more content, when we live in the moment.


Yikes- reading what I've written here today, it's all getting a bit "New Age-y around here!" Never the less, these are useful and important things to think about. Good luck!



"If you worry about what might be, and wonder what might have been,you will ignore what is..." (Unknown)

I've been banging on about happiness and positivity on these pages for quite a while now. There's a reason for this- it's probably the state of mind that we are most concerned with, throughout the course of our time on the planet. And yet it can also be so elusive, so unattainable, even though that does not have to be the case....

Here in Christchurch, it's been especially important this year, to hold on to all glimmers of posititivty, to be alert to all opportunities for happiness. And that's certainly been helped by some excitement that's come our way in recent weeks, from the Rugby World Cup that New Zealand is currently hosting. We are two weeks into it now, with another four to go. The All Blacks have been very exciting to watch- their win over France on the weekend showing how consistently talented they are.... Anyway, back to the good stuff:

1. Give yourself permission to be human. When we accept emotions — such as fear, sadness, or anxiety — as natural, we are more likely to overcome them. Rejecting our emotions, positive or negative, leads to frustration and unhappiness.
2. Happiness lies at the intersection between pleasure and meaning. Whether at work or at home, the goal is to engage in activities that are both personally significant and enjoyable. When this is not feasible, make sure you have happiness boosters, moments throughout the week that provide you with both pleasure and meaning. 
3. Keep in mind that happiness is mostly dependent on our state of mind, not on our status or the size of our bank account. Barring extreme circumstances, our level of well being is determined by what we choose to focus on, and by our interpretation of external events.  Do we view failure as catastrophic, or do we see it as a learning opportunity? Incorporate elements of happiness into your daily routine, helping you to create sustained happiness.
4. Simplify. Generally, we are much too busy, trying to squeeze in more and more activities into less and less time. Quantity influences quality, and we compromise on our happiness by trying to do too much. 
5. Remember the mind-body connection. What we do — or don't do — with our bodies influences our mind. Regular exercise, adequate sleep, and healthy eating habits lead to both physical and mental health.
6. Express gratitude, whenever possible. All too often we take our lives for granted. Learn to appreciate and savour the wonderful things in life, from people to food, from nature to a smile.
7. Do something for someone else, no matter how minor this may be...Remember that  old chestnut about it being better to give than to receive? It's true...

 Thanks to everyone who visits these pages, especially the regulars. Numbers continue to grow every month....
 

We can spend so much time in our waking hours hoping that other people think well of us. Or worry even more about others not liking or approving of us. Somehow or other, most of us get caught up to varying degrees in the need to be approved of by others. I guess it's understandable in some way, why we might want to have those we are close to think well of us. But this often extends out- way way out, where the opinion of a complete stranger, someone we may never see again, also matters. What would your life be like, if you decided once and for all, that other's opinions of you really do not matter? That what other people think of you really is none of your business? Their thoughts are theirs- not yours.

You can really wind up with a major head-ache, if you spend too much time worrying about what other people think of you. Because the reality is that only some people will approve of us, or like us at any one time. And even the people doing the liking, are likely to change on a day by day basis, for reasons that are completely unknown to you- and  are probably unknown to them too, if the truth be known.

Everyone sees the world through slightly different lenses- and that is OK. It's as it should be. We are all unique with our own views and opinions. But this means that everyone else is going to see us in a slightly different way also. This of course means that at any one time, there will be a whole raft of opinions floating around us (mostly silent, we hope). Some  of these will see us as being the greatest human being to walk on the planet, whilst other opinions may even deem us to be a complete and utter waste of space. And most of the other people's opinions will be somewhere in between. 

We can't please everybody- because everyone everyone everyone will expect something slightly different of us. If you think about it, you can probably pick out those people who get caught up in trying to continually please everyone else, so easily worried about what  everyone else will think well of them. They usually agree with everyone else's contrasting opinions. They avoid all forms of conflict (because we all know that conflict is such a terrible terrible thing.......), and they have no real ideas, as they value the  opinions of others more highly than they value their own.

So it makes a lot of sense to allow ourselves to not be too influenced by what others think of us. Because everyone will have a slightly different view of us. So that in itself makes it impossible to have everyone like us. In the end the opinion that matters the most, the person whose ideas are the most useful to you, and whose approval you need more than anyone else on the planet, can be found lurking in your bathroom. Beaming out at you from that glass reflective thingy above the hand-basin. Wipe the steam off the glass, look them in the eye and tell them what a champ they are....

Jump right over here to read three important points for being true to yourself

I'm going to mean what I say here. Or say what I mean. Or say something... Which is in this blog post, to not say anything about earthquakes for a change. The E word will not be mentioned here today- ( see my last blog post, if you are not from around here and are wondering what I'm on about.....) 

I wanted to mention a couple of extra things about positivity and happiness, but especially happiness. I've mentioned these before, because they are so important.  In a problem-saturated world (or may be it's not so much the world that is problem-saturated, but our conversations with each other), it is so easy to focus on the negative, on what is not going right. This is especially so for those of us living in an environment that had been completely devastated by you-know-what.  Yet in amongst it all, there are still some amazing people who are not just resilient, but are  also very happy. Even though they have been exposed to as much of the devastation from those- ground-shaking-thingies as the rest of us, they are surprisingly upbeat.

Happiness or optimism, or whatever we want to call it, can seem an elusive state at times. Easily achieved on one hand, yet on other occasions feeling like it is unattainable. And in a world that is driven by consumerism, it is so easy to think that the source of happiness is somewhere in there, in amongst the purchasing and the upsizing and the  relentless striving for self-improvement. But it is actually a lot more  simple and more accessible than that.

A big question is therefore about whether or not money can buy happiness. Well, yes it does. But also, no it doesn't.  What this means is that It can help with your levels of happiness if you have absolutely none of the basic essentials of life. But  after having your basic material needs met,  more money does not bring extra happiness. The enormous flat panel TV, the latest Ferrari even, and the money to buy them will give you a brief buzz for a short while only.  And if you want simple proof, ask yourself are your rich friends happier? And are the super-rich people of the world such as  Oprah or Bill Gates or Rupert Murdoch even happier still?  Especially not for Rupert Murdoch these days.... Once your income goes above the level of meeting your basic needs, it may then make your life a little more comfortable. But research shows that comfort  does not lead directly to happiness, but instead actually leads to boredom.

Speaking of happiness and money, our levels of happiness are likely to be higher, when we are around people (living near to, working with, socialising with, etc) with similar amounts of money, regardless of how much money that actually is. People who are  happier are likely to also live in closer proximity to family and friends.  They will be less likely to move away to take up promotions or exciting new jobs, because they know that they are happier by being around people who are important to them.

So if happiness is not about having more money, or more expensive stuff, what else is it about? Well, what is also important  is how we view the world. Specifically, this means when hard things happen to us, how  we will respond, or how will we view these hard things. Because in the end, the thing that happened becomes a difficulty or a source of unhappiness, because that is how we have chosen to view it. Sure. hard things happen, with the ''E word' being a good example. OK, so such events may not have actually made many people  happy. Yet there are some folks who have not been overwhelmed by them, who have faced the challenges from them head-on, and will ultimately come out as being more competent, more resourceful, and yes, even maybe more happy. The only difference, is attitude, or how they have viewed the event. The very same event  that the other person viewed in a way that then caused them to feel overwhelmed by.


How we choose to look at life and events is so crucial to our own sense of self....

Phew- it sure was a rocky old night last night. I checked the Geonet website this morning to discover there had been no less than 8 'quakes during the night. Some people out in the largely untouched western suburbs even lost power for a while. Poor them...

Like most folks- I'm heartily sick of all the quakes and all they bring, but of course continuing with life, as there are no real alternatives.  As most folks in Christchurch will also attest- there is only one conversation in town these days. It's an important conversation, and it's one that helps make sense of things, helps us process our own responses, and ultimately  helps us to also move forward, so its an important conversation to keep having with those around us. 

Sometimes though, it's not always a helpful conversation. What I'm meaning is that there are going to be days (and yes, these days will increase in time)  when you might feel quite good, quite on top of things, and then suddenly you are again in the middle of The Conversation, then walking away from it when you are finished, and then noticing that you are no longer feeling so good after all.

This highlights to me again, the importance of monitoring our own levels of stress, and of being protective or ourselves. If you are having a good day, makes sure it stays that way, by minimising your involvement in in-depth conversations about heavy duty earthquake stuff. Ensure that there are even days when you have a little earthquake bubble around you, when no earthquake stuff can get through. In a practical sense, this might mean allocating yourself one day a week, when you do not participate in The Conversation. And if someone wants to talk about earthquake stuff, that you discreetly remove yourself, or you even state outright, that  today you are in your earthquake-free zone, and will not be joining The Conversation today.


Go Well!