<![CDATA[Bruce McNatty, Family & Couples Therapist. - NEWS FROM THE THERAPY ROOM]]>Sat, 20 Apr 2024 18:17:36 +1200Weebly<![CDATA[TELL ME MORE...]]>Mon, 20 Nov 2023 03:12:22 GMThttp://brucemcnatty.com/news-from-the-therapy-room/tell-me-moreI posted back in June about those two little words that are so important. It turns out there's a whole raft of these 'micro phrases' that when used well (ie genuinely), can do wonders for our relationships. 

So here's another one. Again, like "Thank You," it's seemingly brief and innocuous.  But Tell Me More can work in these very important ways:
  • the person who is being invited to tell more, can feel really heard and valued.
  • the person doing the inviting is showing the other person that their perspective is important and is respected
  • the person doing the inviting may be doing something quite different, if historically they have usually jumped right in, and without seeking any further information, have come up with solutions for the other person. By instead asking for more information, they are now deferring to them. 
  • Tell me more' can help reduce conflict, as people are often less reactive, when they have more information, and can better understand where the other person is coming from
  • the person doing the asking/inviting is usually demonstrating empathy and compassion
  • being invited to 'tell more' in a genuine way, can connect people more substantially, as this can take the conversation to a deeper level. So it can be an important phrase to introduce into a relationship, regardless of the type of relationship. 
  • Tell me more' should never be delivered in an angry, sarcastic, or superior way. This will simply shut the conversation down, or escalate it into a conflict, as the other person will become defensive. Who wouldn't?!

Good luck, if you have a go at this - and I hope you do....

​Talk soon.

]]><![CDATA[The Two Most Important Words in a Relationship.]]>Sun, 18 Jun 2023 12:00:00 GMThttp://brucemcnatty.com/news-from-the-therapy-room/the-two-most-important-words-in-a-relationship
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We've always believed those three little words (you know the ones I mean) are the golden ones in a relationship. And sure, they are important. But recent research is showing that saying 'thank you' is way more important. Successful relationships, are those where partners feel heard and respected, do not take anything for granted, and are always sure to say 'thank you' in a genuine way. 

This also works at an individual level. Those people who are more appreciative of the kindness of others and remark on the things they are thankful for, in turn will experience higher levels of personal contentment, will be less stressed overall, and may even sleep better. 

Thank You.
Whakawhetai koe.
Gracias.
Danke.
Shukraan. 
Merci.
Grazie.
Dhanyavaad.
Obrigado.
Fa'afetai.
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]]><![CDATA[Don't try and fix it...]]>Wed, 16 Nov 2022 03:02:49 GMThttp://brucemcnatty.com/news-from-the-therapy-room/dont-try-and-fix-it
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Not everything needs to be fixed.  As a therapist, I like to help people 'fix'  the parts of their lives that are not working for them - so this is a good reminder for me and for all of us.  Sometimes though, fixing things,  such as coming up with a practical solution, is not what is needed. What I'm meaning is something a little different to fixing.  Let me explain. 

Relationships work better, when there is good emotional connection between those who are involved. All relationships, for couples, and for families, go better when people know that someone 'gets them' emotionally. Not only does the relationship work better for those involved,  but people also feel better within themselves, individually.  

Sometimes though, when we see a strong  display of upset emotion in someone, we will go straight into wanting to help practically, we will try and fix things. We start coming up with practical solutions, some fixing, as to what they or we could do, to make it all better. Which is kind of understandable when someone we love is upset - we want to help, we don't like to see them distressed. But one of the best things we can do,  to make things better for them, is to just be there, be attuned to their emotion, show some empathy.  Unless the other person is asking for practical solutions, being there for them, grounding them is way more powerful. And for couple or family relationships, the connection is actually deepened in those moments, between those involved.

Many people can struggle with providing this kind of response,  especially if they don't 'do' emotions very well. Men are more likely to fit into this category,  not always comfortable with showing empathy, more likely to want to fix things, even if they haven't been asked to.  And I'm not saying that  a practical answer doesn't have its place - sometimes it does.  But letting someone know, especially in moments of sadness or distress or fear,  that you are there for them, that you have their back,  can be so grounding and so settling.  Much more effective, much more powerful than a practical fix. 

Talk soon....

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]]><![CDATA[Four ways to wreck your relationship.]]>Mon, 18 Apr 2022 12:00:00 GMThttp://brucemcnatty.com/news-from-the-therapy-room/four-ways-to-wreck-your-relationship
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I hope you had a great Easter break. 

I've been working with some couples recently who have engaged in some behaviours that don't bode well for their relationship.  All of these behaviours have a connection with respect (or lack thereof).  They are quite damaging, and if they are allowed to persist, can be quite destructive for the relationship.  And the weird thing is that people who do this stuff,  are likely to do this only with their partners - they are unlikely to treat other people in their lives in this way.  

These four behaviours have been described by  prominent couples researcher John Gottman, as The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, because of the damage they can bring. They are described below -  the most damaging of these is number 2: Contempt, because it can be so cutting and hurtful. Read them below, and if you really do value your relationship, keep them away.  If they have been sneaking in to your relationship and you are serious about  now standing up to them (and even if you only have one or two  of the Horsemen present), their antidotes are not super complex.   And if you want to understand these better, check out John Gottman & Nan Silver's book: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Remember that the longer the Horsemen are allowed to gallop through your relationship, and the more of them that are present, the more fragile and damaged the relationship will become, to the point that it cannot be saved.  So step up, keep those damned Horsemen at bay - there's too much at stake to allow them to settle in. And sure, maybe your partner is doing some of this stuff also - but that doesn't make it OK for you to do it too. 
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If you need some help with keeping the Horsemen at bay, of if you want to look at the underlying issues that helped them get a foot in the door, please contact me.

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